It seems that almost daily, lately, I am getting an e-mail from another friend or relative who just had a baby. Every single one of them has pictures galore of beautiful babies and their beaming families. I am happy for them. I try to send gifts. I long to hold and nuzzle those sweet smelling little heads. But, I don't want any more of my own. I really don't.
Jack Jack, who can no longer be considered a baby, is turning three in just a few short weeks. And as I watch my baby conquer the world, I realize that this really will be my last baby. This is my choice. This is my husband's choice. The Mr. had surgery to make sure that our family circle will be closed at 5. Not every one gets to this point by choice, though, and I ache for those who have had their choice taken away from them.
But, even though we made this choice, there is something about those baby faces, those baby lips, those long baby fingers, the drunken look of a baby that has just been fed, that makes my hormones surge. There is something about watching the way a mother cradles that little baby close to her that make my insides turn over with want.
But, my time is past. My babies are growing up. I don't think I really want another baby as much as looking at these babies reminds me of how far my own have come and makes me melancholy for what was. Because the truth is that motherhood is hard. Each age, each stage brings its own challenges and reasons for losing sleep at night. Right now we seem to be hitting plenty of stages all at once.
Not all women become mothers. Not all women chose motherhood. Not all women's bodies cooperate with their decision to have children. But, it seems to me that all women, mourn the end of the promise of fertility at some time and in some way. My mourning is combined with pride as I watch the children I have been blessed with, sprout their wings and move toward the promises that await them. And maybe, just maybe, those promises will one day, one far in the future day, include grandbabies that will once again fill that space in my heart.
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23 comments:
What a lovely post - and much needed as I am wrestling with a "permanent" decision that I feel I am too young to be forced into making.
I completely get this. :)
Although, we haven't made a permanent decision yet . . .
I get longing for babies, but not wanting to go back . . .
beautifully expressed.
and yeah, i get it, too.
I envy you knowing that your family is finished. I keep flipping back and forth between wanting just one more and thinking that our family is perfect the way it is. It would be nice to know one way or the other.
A woman I know said she knew she was done having kids when she no longer wanted to hold other people's babies.
Interesting...I think I could hold babies forever. But, I am happy to give them back.
I am getting my tubes tied during the c-section with this baby. And although I know the family needs to stop at 5, it makes me very sad.
Lovely post.
Oh, I wish I could KNOW that I am done. I keep going back and forth.... I have no idea if I am done yet or not. I understand that longing... oh so well. And also, I understand that feeling of being done.... sigh... which one is stronger? We will find out in a few years! LOL
Great post.
It's my age that's made me certain that I'm done...that, and the fact that pregnancy did NOT agree with me at all.
What a great post, though; I also mourne the end of my childbearing years because that means no more newborns of my own.
I'm looking forward to grandkids, too!
And thanks for the book offer; that is so sweet. If you really don't mind, I'll take you up on it. I'll email. Thanks.
What a perfect post...I so wish I could be at peace like you are...but I long for more, and sadly cannot...I will draw strength and resolve from your post. THANK YOU, I have been struggling with this for some time now.
This is a beautiful post. Hope you have a good weekend!
All women mourn their own fertility at some point, so true. So poetic, and so darn true.
I love this and have come to that decision too. It wasn't that way before #3, but I have no regrets afterward.
That was a sweet post...you brought tears to my eyes.
The way you write - beautiful! Its not easy to treat stuff like these as peacefully as the way you did.
I know exactly what you are talking about. I never felt that way when we only had 2 kids, but now in my thirties, I have felt the mournful yearning for the baby stage as well as excitement for each new stage.
lovely post.
I hate this moment as much as you. We still have not made the more permanent action, but the decision has pretty much been determined. It is hard to imagine I could have come to this point in my life journey . . . Here are a few hugs sent your way. Give that little tot a few squeezes if you can catch him ;)
I still find myself conflicted... not completely 100% sure... but still, I think we are done. And yes, I am mourning all that comes with that choice- but also celebrating all that comes with that choice.
I hear you.
I've felt a few pangs here and there but, like you, I look at my two lovelies and think how lucky I am. And then I hear a screaming baby - there's that too.
I still find myself waivering back and forth. I think and know in my head that we are done with three. I love my life right now with my children...not going back to sleepless nights and night time feedings...
But, it's those things that I do miss...belly bulging...labor pains...feeling and knowing this children is growing protected in my body.
It's my heart that's having a hard time!
I just delivered the rest of my baby things today and now, my garage is clear on 'baby items'!
I'm going back and forth, but I am leaning strongly towards done.
I love the idea of naming a baby. Caring for one, not so much. I love the idea of a toddler that cuddles up to me, "mommy" and falls asleep on my shoulder. Tantrums, not so much...
Every time I see a new baby lately my ovaries practically jump outside of my body. Oh, the longing. But I know that for us, now, it isn't the time...it may never be the time again. But still, the longing is there.
That was so beautiful. I'm a tube tied mom myself. I loved how inclusive and respectful this post was while still totally getting to the heart of how it feels to be mommy.
I am a mother of one four year old
girl, and we too have been unable
to decide about having another one.
When I think about having another one, sometimes I feel that I wish
I could go back and re-live my
daughter as a baby, in a more
present and less foggy state of
mind...but maybe not have another one, just enjoy her again. Reading
these other comments, I get the feeling that most of these mothers have at least two or three kids.
I feel different from them, just having one
and thinking of staying that way.
I can't imagine having three kids and not feeling sure if I was done
or not! I personally would
really be done! But after reading
your post, I think we all feel the
same way, whether I just have one
and am thinking about two, or
whether you have three and are
thinking about four. I feel like
the minority, though. Most people
around me have at least two...I only know a handful of moms with
just one, who are not planning to
have any more. I can't figure out
what is influencing my decision,
and what is making me unsettled with the idea of just having one.
I myself am an only child, and I've
always been fine and happy with that, and that is all I have to go on. But I do feel a loss (and
also such proudness and happiness)
at the reality of my daughter growing up...the thought that if
I choose not to try to have anymore, that I'd also be mourning
the fact of never being pregnant
again, never experiencing a new
baby again, never watching a new
baby go through all those first
stages again. Eventually, I feel
like time and age will make the
decision for me, if I don't decide now.
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