Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Things I Have Done Instead of Blogging #6

I have been writing, for myself.  

It is interesting, writing for my eyes only.  And yet, it isn't exactly free.  And I still worry about writing the "wrong" thing.  

Quoting myself: "You know those things in your head, that aren't really permanent, but sometimes you think them, and then, in a minute, or a day, or a week, they are gone and no one is the wiser?  But, if you write it...if you write it, it sticks.  Even if your way of writing is to get those thoughts out of your head and process and then be done with them, writing them creates a permanent record.  And even if no one ever sees that record, it is like if you thought enough about that to write it, it MUST be important....even when it is not."

And it is that sense of permanency, that has been haunting me when I write; here, there, and the other place.  And even though writing seems to be the way I process, "I want to be the owner of my thoughts."

And the day after I wrote those words, in pencil, on paper (which, by the way, feels magical), my middle child announced that he had found my "super secret blog."  And he seemed to be amused and actually a little excited that he found this secret of mine.  But  I was, again, struck by the power of permanence.  And I closed up my archives....for now.  I am still mulling over where to save them or if to bring them back, or bring them back selectively.  I am not hiding them, just thinking about the power of words and where I want my words to live on.

Now that I have made everyone in my house run off in search of my journal (oh yes...they ALL know about this here blog.  And Jack Jack was NOT happy with his nickname...), I will leave you with my closing thoughts that I had at the start of this new year:

I am not leaving.  But, I am also not staying.  
I will still be here (I have to keep posting photos to my Cat Lady photo album, after all), and I might still be here, but it isn't going to look the same. 
My revolution isn't a quitting, it is just an overthrow of the government.
You know where you can find me.

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Christine said...

i know what you mean about the permanence of writing. it's as if writing something down allows to better bear witness to our own thoughts, hearts.

Lyndsay said...

Ah yes, for better or worse writing it down does change the game.

Don't go too far. (I'll find you anyway, I've been dusting off my stalker skills lately...)

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